What do I do during the year?
Reading, painting, writing, making music, watching movies, getting depressed then highly happy and contemplative are my passions and hobbies.
For the sake of my stability and ego, I have tried so many times to find and follow the lifestyle I do not have. Everytime I follow something, I implode and it is the least to say. The reason of the implosion is impossible for me to explain. I cannot follow anything. The best and enlightening times of my life were when I was wondering, wandering, doing what I do love regardless the circumstances.
“Like water, I just flow”
I have tried to convince myself to do things a normal person would do, and in full denial, fear of failure and fear to not fit the mold, I believed in this voice. It happened many times at many levels. Investing in big safe projects would be my first reaction despite the other voice in my head telling me “it’s cool but it’s not what you’re here for“. All those times a catastrophy happened and I failed both to be happy and succeed at whatever I put myself in denial for.
If I can believe and invest in all those things, why can’t I invest in myself?
It didn’t sound weird or crazy. It felt right.
“I am chaos, and chaos is the best place to build and get rebuilt.”
All those events installed a delay in my life but now I know. I do not feel bad about this “delay”. I do not feel any regrets because this was the hardest way for me to understand who I am not and what brings me joy in life.
And it is art. Only art.
I think everyone is an artist, but not everyone listens to what they really want to do during the short journey life offers.